Day 5: Tara Leaver
“Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!” Audrey Hepburn
When Kerstin asked me to contribute to her fantastically named community project, I cycled through a few ideas and found that I kept coming up against something.
That something is, I don’t actually believe in impossible things any more. And I’ve found that even the things that feel impossible are often not as far out of our reach as we believe them to be. We just have to manoeuvre into place in order to be able to access them. {I know, I make it sound so easy. ;)}
We each have a context - personal history, beliefs, habits, family stories, culture, education, upbringing - that offers information about what’s possible for us. Not truth, necessarily, but information that can definitely feel like truth.
Within my context, making a living as an artist was not on the table.
University was inevitable. Marriage and kids and a recognisable job title were a given. Everything was a matter of not if, but when. I chafed the whole time against the expectations, but I bowed to them too, and eventually under the weight of them as long term clinical depression settled in.
So there I was, in my life context, seeing walls everywhere; no doors, no light. And yet now, as I type, any remaining walls are so low I can step over them, there’s no place for doors, and there’s light everywhere. And, there’s no husband, no kids, no degree, and a job title that doesn’t fit in any mainstream boxes.
Looking back over the past two years, I see nothing but ‘impossible' things.
Things that for most of my life were what other people got; experiences and feelings and events that I would never know. I genuinely believed that there were some things I would simply never have because of who and how I am.
How does that happen? How do you go from impossible to possible? How do you learn not only that you can ask for the impossible, but you can learn how to ask in such a way that the walls dissolve and the supposedly impossible sits in your hand?
I’d so love to offer a definitive answer to those questions! When I look at it myself it’s kind of slippery.
The journey from bedridden despair to fulfilled thriving was long, complex, and not at all a straight line for me. Healing is a 3D process rather than a linear trajectory, annoyingly. For me it involved a combination of long term therapy and medication that ultimately didn’t heal me although they gave language and exterior legitimacy to my condition. Then came the energy work - Tai Chi, Reiki master status, a healer and mentor, and rediscovering myself as a creative being.
Creativity is the opposite of depression, in my experience. While depression is a dead end, creativity is infinite doorways. And those infinite doorways are proof that there is no impossible.
People sometimes look at my life now and call me lucky. Honestly? I don’t love that. Apart from not believing in luck, it is all too easy to look in from the outside and see only the now, not the years of building beneath it. I’m not so different from anyone else; we all have contexts and struggles and pain and the wobbly line of healing to contend with. We all have our own ‘impossible’ things.
For me, the perspective that makes the most sense when it comes to impossible things, is that of alignment.
The more out of alignment you are with yourself, and the more you’re trying to align with what’s around you - the expectations of others, the cultural norms - instead of what’s inside you, the more impossible things you see.
As I gradually found greater and more constant alignment with who I am, in truth {not who I thought I was - which turned out to be way off! - or who I was trying to be to match outside expectations}, the less I saw or believed in impossible things.
I’m mentally very healthy now, but sometimes certain things still seem ‘huge’, or I feel keenly aware of a long journey between where I am now and where I perceive them to exist. But that’s just a story, when it comes down to it. A story that can be told in extended struggle or in baby steps, trust, and focused action.
I have some impossible things in my life right now.
A newly renovated cottage by the sea in a place my soul calls home. Rich, meaningful, free flowing relationships. A small business making my art and helping people with theirs. And as of last month, my own art studio at the bottom of the garden.
All of those things seemed - or would have seemed, if I’d even thought of them - 100% impossible just a few years ago. Things for someone else, in another life.
I admit I am astonished almost daily by the impossibility of my life, for the person I thought I was for thirty odd years. But finding and becoming the person I actually am is what brought this life into the realms of possibility. It’s not always easy to find your way into sustainable alignment with yourself, immersed in context as we are, but it isn’t impossible.
I can’t really reduce the journey into five easy steps, unfortunately! {Or fortunately?!} But I can offer some things to consider if you’re feeling daunted by your own impossible things right now.
> Thoughts are compelling.
Begin to pay attention to your repetitive thought habits, especially when it comes to certain topics, and see where they’re telling you stories of limitation and lack. Even if like me you’re not convinced by the efficacy of affirmations or mantras on their own, recalibrating what you’re telling yourself is key to starting to see the world differently and allowing new things in.
> Ask for help.
This is crucial, and for many of us often the hardest thing. I remember the day I told my mum I needed help, because I knew in my bones I wouldn’t survive otherwise. Opening that door led me here - circuitously to be sure, but not being willing to do the vulnerable difficult thing and ask for support - for what actually comes naturally to humans to give and receive - closes doors to what’s possible more effectively than you might imagine. On top of that, people love to be helpful! Let them!
> Baby steps.
Achieving smaller impossible things builds courage, confidence and trust towards asking for larger impossible things. Baby steps is how I do anything. Baby steps and lashings of kindness. {And asking for help!}
> Focus on alignment.
This is only something I see in retrospect, but by focusing on getting well and coming into alignment with myself, instead of things seeming impossible now, they might at the most seem difficult. But because I know myself and I have an understanding of energy and how alignment works, I know that if I really desire something, I’ll find a way to it.
Impossible is just a word. Once we’ve seen that, and start to embrace the idea of taking small steps over time, and reaching out to connect with those who can help us, the doors of the world start appearing and opening all over the place.
I'm Tara, an artist, teacher, and creative encourager living in Cornwall in the UK. I make and sell mixed media paintings on wood panel inspired by my obsession with sea swimming, and I offer practical, fun, process oriented online courses that guide you to confidence, clarity and freedom of expression in your art. Twice a month I send out Artnotes with stories and insights from my life as an artist to support and encourage you in yours.
Asking for Impossible Things
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