Day 2: Karen CL Anderson
When I wrote my second book, I worked with a “hybrid” publisher who tasked me with asking for “advance praise” from other authors and experts. Number one on my list was Dr. Christiane Northrup, New York Times best-selling of author of Mother-Daughter Wisdom (and many other wonderful books on women’s health).
I was excited because I had a bit of history with her. About 10 years prior, I interviewed Dr. Northrup in advance of an appearance she made locally. She was warm and friendly and spent a lot more time with me on the phone than I expected.
Unfortunately I hadn’t saved her phone number or email address, so I reached out to her via her website’s “contact” form. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but it was a rather tepid effort, partly because I wasn’t sure if anyone would see it, much less respond, and partly because I didn’t know how to make a clear ask – and I didn’t know that I didn’t know.
Not to mention that I was breathless and terrified, having put Dr. Northrup on a pedestal underneath which I was groveling (okay, that’s a bit of an exaggeration, but it makes a point).
A few days later I received a cordial “thank you, but no” from her assistant.
The “no” from Dr. Northrup stung. I was disappointed. Crushed. Even though I knew better, it reinforced all my “I’m not good enough” thoughts. And to be honest, while I was grateful for the advance praise I received from other authors and experts, my disappointment overshadowed my gratitude.
When the eBook was released (via Kindle), it quickly became a “best seller” thanks to my publisher knowing how to keep Amazon’s algorithms happy. At that point, I decided to go ahead and release a paperback version…and to approach Dr. Northrup again.
This time, I had her assistant’s email – and a new level of belief in myself and my work. My second request was enthusiastic, detailed, and forthright.
Within a few days, I had Dr. Northrup’s endorsement.
Since then, for other books, I’ve reached out to Oprah Winfrey, Brené Brown, Elizabeth Gilbert, and many others for advance praise (and have gotten lots of no’s and some yes’s).
As well, I’ve had authors reach out to me to review their books and provide advance praise, which I’ve done with pleasure.
But that’s not the point.
What I learned (and continue to learn) is that “yes’s” don’t make me and “no’s” don’t break me and that putting people on pedestals is not the same thing as respecting them when asking for something.
When asking for impossible things, my advice is to follow these simple guidelines, created by my friend and mentor Tanya Geisler: “when making an ask, be sure it’s reasonable, specific, brief, respectful, confident, and authentic.”
Reasonable: would you be willing to return the favor?
Specific: does it have a beginning, middle, and end? Be clear about exactly what the ask entails.
Brief: be mindful of their time by providing only as much context is required.
Respectful: be sure the request honors their gifts and talents.
Confident: if there is any wishy-washiness, you may need to revisit the who, what, when, or why and adjust accordingly.
Authentic: connect with the essence of who you are and be clear about how this request is in full service to you.
You can learn more about Tanya Geisler’s work here: www.tanyageisler.com
If you’d like to read the second request I made to Dr. Northrup’s assistant, I’d be happy to share. Send me an email: karen@kclanderson.com
Karen C.L. Anderson helps women take a compassionate look at the troubled relationships they have with their mothers and/or daughters and guides them to reveal patterns, heal shame, and transform legacies. She is the author of Difficult Mothers, Adult Daughters, A Guide For Separation, Liberation & Inspiration (March 2018) and the upcoming guided journal, The Difficult Mother-Daughter Relationship Journal: A Guide For Revealing & Healing Toxic Generational Patterns (January, 2020).
Asking for Impossible Things
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