Day 17: Julia Barnickle

Community Project

Oct 23

I’ve been asking for impossible things all my life - and I continue to do so. For example, I asked Kerstin if I could be one of the contributors to her community project, even though we didn’t know each other - and I’m so glad she said yes!

Asking for impossible things hasn’t always been easy, and I didn’t always get a yes.

Sometimes I didn’t ask the question in the right way - sometimes I asked at the wrong time. Sometimes I didn’t even want a yes. But I keep asking, because the more I practise asking, the better I get at it - and the less painful rejection feels.

In my 20s I asked a guy to go out with me. Actually, what I said was “I don’t suppose you’d like to go out with me, would you?” Unsurprisingly, he said no. As a good friend explained: a negative question solicits and often gets a negative response. I’m actually glad he said no, because I might not have met my husband otherwise - and been able to ask him out.

When I started my business as a Life Coach, I used to go to swanky hotels in London, ask to speak to the manager, then try to sell them coaching. I believed in the benefits - but all the time, I was secretly thinking “please don’t say yes” because I didn’t have anything tangible to offer. Fortunately, they complied with my wishes. It wasn’t until I teamed up with a group of experienced coaches that I felt comfortable selling ideas which I knew could be turned into something useful.

During my 20-year IT career, I had been used to asking what people needed, so that I could design a computer system to solve the problem. As my career progressed, and I became an expert , I almost didn’t need to ask. But when I started my business, I lost confidence, going from expert to novice, and it felt like an admission of incompetence to ask what people needed - and an even bigger admission of incompetence if I couldn’t deliver what was required. So I stopped asking - with disastrous consequences.

I’ve come to realise that the key to asking for impossible things - regardless of who I’m asking - is to be unattached to the outcome: in other words, to be OK with the answer being either yes or no, and to be prepared to walk away if it’s not the answer I want.

Being too attached to the outcome can put unnecessary pressure both on myself and on the person I’m asking. Nowadays I make it clear that there is no obligation to say yes.

Asking for money has always been challenging, because I have very little concept of money. I once asked at a job interview for a salary 35% higher than my income at the time. It was simply the amount I needed to earn, to qualify for a mortgage on a house. So I blurted out the figure when the interviewer asked what salary I wanted - the only time I’ve ever been asked - and after a loud gulp, he said yes. If he had said no, I would have kept looking.

Asking for anything needs to be in alignment with my Values - but often my success in asking for impossible things has nothing to do with what I’m asking for, and everything to do with how determined I am when I pose the question.

In my final year at university, a friend and I signed up to do a parachute jump - I wanted to impress another friend, who was an instructor. The first time I went up in the plane, I refused to jump - even though I was already standing on a step over the wheel and hanging on to a strut under the wing - and I was brought back down in the plane.

I could have quit right then, but I wanted to have another go. By now, I wasn’t trying to impress anyone. It was just something I needed to do - so I asked if I could try again. I had to wait 4 weeks and fulfil some other criteria, but eventually my friend said yes. I then asked for a different instructor - one who would push me if I refused a second time. After some consideration, my friend again said yes. The new instructor did push me - and it was exactly what I needed. I asked to jump again - and the following week I jumped out of the plane unassisted.

I wonder how we know something is impossible before we ask? Do we base our assumption on previous experience, or our own Values - or is it something else? Most people say they’re afraid to ask for something, in case the answer is no. But some are afraid to ask for something they really want, in case the outcome isn’t what they had hoped for. So they block the possibility of something improving their lives, out of fear that - at worst - things might stay the same.

For the past year, I’ve been on a clinical trial, testing out the effectiveness and side-effects of a combination of treatments for advanced cancer. Initially, I felt that my world had massively shrunk because of the side-effects. So I asked for the dosage to be reduced - despite a high element of risk. It feels like I’ve gone from being fiercely independent to having to ask for help in so many situations - and I’ve found the transition difficult. I’m not allowed to drive, so if I don’t have the energy to take public transport, I have to ask my husband to drive me. He’s happy to help - I just find it difficult to ask, out of pride and not wanting to be a nuisance.

But for as long as I have breath, I shall continue to ask for impossible things.

Julia Barnickle is a film maker, photographer, intuitive artist and writer. Originally from Birmingham, in the UK, she has been living on the outskirts of London with her husband for 30+ years.

As a teenager, Julia decided that nothing in Life is worth worrying about, and that she wanted a career which would pay her to travel and make use of her language skills - her two main passions. She has achieved her dream as a student, an employee, and in her own business.

After a corporate career in Information Technology, lasting nearly 20 years, Julia started a business as a life / careers / business coach, while doing occasional IT contracts on the side. She eventually decided to close the business in 2018 to focus on the things that make her feel most alive.

Diagnosed with “terminal” metastatic breast cancer in 2014, Julia believes that illness and injury are the Soul’s way of trying to communicate with us, when we refuse to listen to our heart.

Update: Julia sadly passed away in early 2021. Here is a lovely tribute to this wonderful woman.